For better or for worse?
Consider this is the hypothetical situation: a couple has been married for 25 + years and one of the partners is terminally ill in the hospital. If the other partner enters into a romantic relationship with another partner, yet is still fully dedicated to the physical and emotional needs of their spouse, would God consider the "adulterous" relationship sinful? Does it dishonor the ill spouse or children from that marriage?
But is this at all possible. Could one person be wholly dedicated to two relationships at once I mean both relationships would serve different functions in this situation. Consider the Terri Schiav case. I am not that familiar with the whole story, but in the case where a spouse is mentally unable to fulfill any needs of the other spouse, and the healthy spouse is committed to the others emotional needs, should they continue to be bound in legal or religious marriage?
I am really struggling with this. I am trying to think outside the interpretation of the gospel I have been brought up with while still considering what God's perspective on this situation would be. I am sick of quick biblical chiche answers to ethical questions that just are not that simple!
posted by Vailgirl @ 3:46 p.m.
6 comments
6 Comments:
wow, I thought this thing would never pop up . . .
That's a tough question and I don't know that there is any single answer to it. I suppose a lot would depend on the situation. I know one thing for sure: I don't honestly know how I would react to a situation like that or what choices I would make and so I have no position to judge or make comment on any person's way of dealing with something like that. (But it's so easy to do, isn't it?)
[BTW, did you like the non-commital answer? just getting ready for finals and the "there is no right answer, everything is grey, it's up to the judge to decide" approach to law! Non-commital, boy is this ever the right field for me!]
I am often non-commital in all aspects of life, and I am not a law student. So don't sweat it. Are you going to be parinoid about becoming too "lawyer like" due to your incident on the holiday weekend?
The technology that enables sick or disabled people wasn't around when around when the christian church interpreted the Ten Commandments and what what constitutes audletry. All I know is if I was T.S., I would want my husband to move on with his life and start a new family. As long as it was all done in the right spirit I guess. Maybe I will put a clause in my marriage contract about that (if I ever have need of one of those).
Argh, no! The commitment you make in marriage is in sickness and in health. I am learning, now more than ever, that marriage is not about trying to have my NEEDS met. That if Kevin doesn't do something to my liking, or make me feel needed or loved, that does not mean he is less of a man, or that our marriage isn't still a marriage (and it goes vice versa). Whether or not she could be a listening ear or fulfil his sexual needs, does not mean she still wasn't his wife. Yes, of course you want your spouse to be happy, but trying to be committed to one spouse and care for them (at least you should be) and being in another relationship means you are doing both half-arsed. That isn't fair to anyone involved. When you marry you become one flesh, you actually feel like they now complete you (while still being a fully functional and complete woman on your own). Doing both would not only drive you crazy, but I do believe it puts unnecessary pressure on those who are ill to end it quickly. I don't want illness or disability to ever be seen as an inconvenience. I know that's not what you're saying, but looking into that case the husband isn't as peachy as he first sounds.
We often don't meet each other's needs. That's where God is supposed to come in and meet those needs. God didn't give me John so I would try to have him meet all my needs. Marriage is about trying to meet the other person's needs instead of worrying whether ours are being met. Jesus' relationship towards Christians is often referred to as a marriage. One principal we can gain from this is that he models a perfect spouse for us. Once we grasp the selflessness of God becoming man (a perfect human who had temptations like us but didn‘t sin) and dying on the cross for us, we can understand the selflessness we're supposed to have towards our spouses. We have to learn from Jesus' example and in turn obey God’s command to honour each other in sickness and health. That's why God put that clause "in sickness and health" in there because he knew we would try to warp His command (we‘ll do anything to disobey Him if it doesn‘t meet our agenda because we are fickle, selfish and sinful). I know that medical technology has increased the life expectancy for terminal illness, but we forget that God is timeless and our lifetime is just an instant compared to eternity. In the grand scheme of things, is it important for a spouse to get their needs met or is obeying God and trusting Him more important? God knows everything (past and future) and has always existed and is not finite like we are. When He wrote the Bible He intended to help us see things the way He sees them, not make life dull and boring. A little side-note though regarding bible times. People who lived during bible times probably did have long term illness-Jesus healed many people who had been sick for years. Just because medical technology wasn’t where it is today doesn’t mean long-term illness didn’t exist. Back in the day they didn't have anything but their faith in God that He would heal them, so long-term illness is definitely a possibility back then. Regardless of this, we have to think outside the box of our little world and think of eternity-that’s what we are supposed to put our hope in.
I feel it would be sheer obedience to God for this "hypothetical" man to honour his wife and children and also the "new" woman by not being in the new relationship. It would be extremely tempting for him to disobey God. He would have to trust God to help him and God will reward him for it in the end (in eternity or here on earth-who knows?) His brothers and sisters in Christ need to pray for him and help him through the situation too. It would be difficult for him to meet both the needs of his wife and the new woman-it would probably end up doing a half-arsed job, not to mention hurt his children even if they say they understand.
I wonder about the “other” woman he is having this relationship with. She could be thinking to herself, “will he do the same to me if I don't meet his needs (whether illness is to blame or not) If he compromises on this will he in turn compromise our marriage?” If he remains committed to his wife and honours the love they once shared even though he's not having his needs met, when the wife dies the other woman will feel that much more secure knowing that she has a man who will love her unconditionally and honour her as long as she's alive.
There will always be needs that go unmet in a marriage-even healthy ones. Does that mean that it's okay to have two relationships so all the needs can be met or should we try to depend more on God and not on man meet our needs. I struggle with this everyday because there is such a strong pull to depend on my hubby, family or friends to meet my needs. When I have a problem who do I talk to first? I should take it to God first. People let people down all the time and when we realize that only God can fulfill all our needs, our relationships will become so much more fulfilled, especially marriage because it's so intimate and you know the person inside and out, good and bad. This is very meaningful for John and I. God is the cement in our marriage. We have gone through tough times and come through it more in love and fulfilled because we have God and we depend on His perfect love when the other person fails. We haven’t had to go through anything as extreme as terminal illness, but if we learn now to be selfless and to depend on God more, it will be easier if sickness and tough times come up. It’s kind of like practice before a game.
It must be easier when both husband and wife are committed to trusting God and obeying his commands. John in turn is even more selfless towards me (I’m not his doormat!) It really does work best if both people have the same faith. This is why God tells us not to be unequally yoked with a person who doesn’t trust Him or believe in Him.
Have you seen the Notebook yet (the book was better, not too deep, but meaningful just the same)? The relationship is a true example of selflessness on the part of the husband and shows how he honours his wife and the love they once shared by helping her remember. True romance.
I hope I didn't give you any cliché church answers, or sound too preachy-not intended. This is a topic that has been on my heart lately (can you tell?) and God is still teaching me to trust Him for everything.
Love Jen (your favourite cousin!! haha)
Hey Sally,
I just re-read my message and hope I don't come off too preachy or self-righteous. I haven't arrived yet and don't think that I'm perfect or that my marriage is perfect. I guess the main point I wanted to get across is that God wants us to trust 100% in Him and he is teaching and reminding me everyday to do this. Divorce or "Adultery" can be a more obvious form of disobeying God in a marriage-it's more cut and dry, black and white for me but there are definately areas in my life that I struggle with everyday with regard to obedience to God-that's sin.
Just wanted to let you know that so I don't come off as holy because I'm far from it! I do have to remember God's grace and forgiveness when I do let him down-which I do all the time. God never bores me-I'll always be amazed!
I don't always depend on God for all my needs and that's why I need constant reminders like your post to help me through and look at things with a broader perspective. So, thank you!
Love Jen
It is really good to hear opinions of married people on this -- I tend to get stuck in my own 'singles' mindset and often forget how much individuals involved in a marriage value it, so thank you Mel and Jen! And don't worry Jen, you weren't being to 'preachy'. It's not like you were trying to get me to put anything up my nose! (hehehe)
This post is just an example of some of the stuggles I have been sorting through in my faith lately. I feel like the hugest devil's advocate in my bible study cuz I tend to argue everything we discuss (more from the secular/world-view side). However I do think my faith is being strengthened through this process. I just feel like I am not a very good witness in the academic world because all I know are the short, quick, 'christanise' answers to all the issues. Although, maybe that just means I know the bible. I think my parents think I am turning sac-religious or something, but it is kinda their fault because they never discouraged my questions when I was little. My questions have gotten a little harder now I guess.
Caroline (see 'My Friends') has a really good post and dialogue on the essence of the relationship between us and God. The rest of what I have to say I will put as a comment on Caroline's blog. I wish you could hyperlink through the comments. Someone let me know how if you can.
Post a Comment
<< Home