How to wash an elephant:

1) Climb on elephant’s bare back. It will be rather uncomfortable as elephant’s spine sticks out and elephant’s hairs, although spare, are scratchy on bare legs.
2) Hang on for dear life as elephant walks towards river. Beware of horses as elephant gets a thrill out of spooking them.
3) When finally at the river (your bum is very soar at this point), elephant will want to lay down in water. As elephant lays down, move from back to side of elephant. This is easier than it sounds as elephant does everything very slowly. Another option is to jump from elephant’s back into river. The water is nice and warm.
4) Find a rock, preferably one with very rough edges (ie. broken cement with gravel in it). Scrub elephant as hard as you can with rock (the roughest edge) all over. Scrub extra hard on spots where extra dirt has accumulated such as elephant’s hip bones. Elephant will really enjoy this and probably put his or her head in the water to lay it down, but leave trunk 3” out of waters to breath. Elephant enjoys it most when legs and bum are scrubbed.
5) Stand clear of elephant as he or she stands up and lays down on the other side.
6) Repeat #4. Elephant may decide to take a big breath, submerge his or her trunk and blow some bubbles in the water. This is very funny.
7) Climb on elephant. Carefully scramble from side to back of elephant as he or she stands up.
8) Plug your nose and close your eyes as elephant will now take a large trunkful of water and spray it over their back (where you are sitting). Some elephants enjoy doing this more than others. The larger the trunk, the more water, and the harder the blast of water.
9) Once again, brace yourself on elephant’s spiny back and head home.