AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horsebackriding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has tobe your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only companysmart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel eachmonth knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Eversuffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutesfrom now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what myhusband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, andcramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wantedto reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxipad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brainreally think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end yourlife in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man.If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you justpicking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
